The Bailey Blog

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer called a news conference Monday afternoon soon after the news broke in The New York Times that he was linked to a high-class prostitution ring.

Of course, there was no news at the news conference, but that didn’t stop the governor from sharing a few thoughts.

The statement’s available at the governor’s Web site, but here it is after being run through the News Conference-to-English Translator:

Over the past nine years, eight as Attorney General and one as Governor, I have tried to uphold a vision of progressive politics that will rebuild New York and create opportunity for all.
Translation: Look what I’ve done! Well, don’t look at everything!! Just look at what I’ve done that you’ve liked. Haven’t I done good things? See? I’m a good guy!

We sought to bring real change to New York, and that will continue.
Translation: Hell no, I won’t go! You can’t make me leave! Oh wait, well, technically, I could be impeached, but, um, I’ll just leak stories to the media about other politicians in New York and all the things they’ve done that people won’t like…yeah, that’s the ticket!

Today I want to briefly address a private matter.
Translation: This is private. See, it’s between me and my family. I’m just a guy. Guys have needs! It’s not about being governor. Did I mention I’m just a guy? With needs?

I have acted in a way that violates my obligations to my family, and violates my — or any — sense of right and wrong.
Translation: I’m trying to sound sincere and apologetic – golly, I’m just a guy and guys make mistakes, but I understand that and I’m really sorry. Is that sincere enough?

I apologize first and most importantly to my family.
Translation: Maybe I didn’t sound sincere enough in the last paragraph. Plus, my wife is going to take me to the cleaners in the divorce but if I show remorse, maybe some judge will take pity on me.

I apologize to the public, whom I promised better.
Translation: You voted for me! This is your fault, not mine! I’m a guy with needs and you gave me power and the power to get those needs fulfilled. Ha! Don’t you feel bad for me? Look what you did! This is your fault!

I do not believe that politics in the long run is about individuals. It is about ideas, the public good and doing what’s best for the state of New York.
Translation: Hillary didn’t know anything about this. You can still vote for Hillary!

I have disappointed and failed to live up to the standard I expected of myself. I must now dedicate some time to regain the trust of my family.
Translation: I’m a victim! I’m a victim! Have mercy – my gosh, would you want to face my wife? Look at the look on her face. I’ll be lucky to get out of the house intact. I’m definitely not turning my back on her anytime soon!

I will report back to you in short order.
Translation: Let’s see how this plays out in a few days. I really don’t want to resign and maybe I can dig up some dirt on my rivals that I can leak before I have to make a decision. Or maybe I can drag this on long enough that some other big news story will happen and then the media will be all over that instead. We all know they can only cover one big story at a time…

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 11th, 2008 at 7:19 pm and is filed under General, Political scandal, Politics, Public Affairs, Spitzer. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.